Yeah, I stare AND point... so?!!!

Being raised in the conservative and well mannered Midwest I was taught at a young age what comprised of appropriate social etiquette. Sentences began with "Please" and ended with "Thank you". Your elder was never debated with any true vigor and you rose from your seat when a lady entered or exited the room. If I learned anything from my mother while sitting through Sunday morning church it was that God won't flinch about damning me somewhere and that it's not polite to point or stare at others.

So now after living in New Jersey for five years I stare and point at people like a hunting dog locating pheasant in the thick brush. Jersey has a bad reputation. I mean sure it's damn near impossible to leave the shore without some sort of blood disease contracted from being stuck by a used needle that's floating atop the water along with other biohazard waste. And maybe because the majority of New Jersey open spaces are public parks built over the sites of former landfills, Jersey doesn’t have a glowing reputation.

Despite this reputation I must admit I've grown to love some things about the New Yorkers long standing joke... New Jersey. The people are honest, even if that honesty often comes in a colorful manner. Frequently along the highways of our many exits you will hear thoughts turned into shinning words of hope offered to other drivers... "I hope you rot in hell"! I too have been affected by this some what rude behavior and think little of staring and/or pointing without abandon. Let me offer you an example: If I'm out with a friend and stare at someone wearing something that their flat mate lied to them about and said looked ok, I'll mention it to my friend. If my friend doesn't notice this person then I'll say a bit louder than before, "right over there", while pointing.

I'm aware that this behavior of mine differs greatly from what my childhood suggested was acceptable. In truth, if my mother new of my actions she would certainly be rolling over in her grave. Thank God my mother is actually still alive, but she does have a flare for the dramatic so she would most likely dig a grave, roll around in it and then post the video on youtube just to make me clear of her disappointment. Of course the shock value of the surprise video would be diminished when she called me to ask the best tool to use for digging, how to turn the video camera on and what exactly youtube is.

No, no that's not me. I'm sure he and I can both relate to the inconvenient torture of always being stopped for autographs, or the pure pandemonium caused whenever one of our "authentic" pairs of boxers ends up for sale on eBay. Also, we do have one other thing in common, apparently all the hair I have lost and hasn't taken up new root on my shoulders, by some miracle has gone to double the amount of hair follicles this young man has. Lion-O from the ThunderCats had good hair, but I'm sorry cartoon feline from the distant planet of Thundera, I think you've met your match in Paolo Nutini.

Sorry if I'm Johnny-Come-Lately on this one, (I'm usually Roger-On-The-Pulse) but if you get a chance to check out any music clips from Paolo Nutini then go for it. With autumn now upon us, he has some good glass of merlot (Arbor Mist if you can afford the good stuff), quiet night at home, and practicing starting a family, jams. I need to do a little research on this Paolo character, but he has some weird accent every now and then. It's like he's Welsh but was raised by foster parents from Boston, attended boarding school in South Africa and spent most of his holidays with a band of Navajos up in the French section of Montreal.

Catching crabs...

A little preseason training before heading out with the guys for another deadly season out on the Bering Sea. Come on, like I'm the first person to ever catch crabs in a hotel bathtub.

Gold Club Membership Has it's Privileges...

After a week of bouncing around Asia and spending almost as much time in the air as on the ground, Andy and my Gold Card status finally paid off. Last I checked I've accumulated roughly 170,000 frequent flyer miles with this airline, so the occasional upgrade in class is always nice. However, as you may have noticed from the video, at the time we certainly didn't belong near other people, let alone any sort of special treatment.

Two Scoops debuts in China during 9 hour delay...

* Two Scoops

New dance move acquired while in China. (Please check out video evidence of how sexy this move is)

End Result = The ability to pick up girls with this move = 0. The ability to anger the product development director = 100.

* Airports really really suck

9 Hours delayed at Xiamen Airport with no updated status of when your flight will take off or why it is delayed. All other flights to your end destination are completely booked, the one flight that isn't takes off 30 minutes after your delayed flight takes off. Airport temperature is maintained at a steady 85 degrees F, warm enough to make you uncomfortable, not hot enough so you can sweat to keep cool.

End Result = You learn a lot about your travel partner and you find out that even the most miniscule of events can entertain you, such as a man dropping about $400 worth of alcohol on the terminal floor, or men in shirts and ties wearing shorts, black socks and loafers. You also learn about how much you really really hate people.

Just park normal...

Backer Inners –

Whether you back into a parking space or pull forward into a parking space, you still have to back up one time or the other. Just pull in like a normal person. I know you probably think that backing into a spot is a showcase of your advanced driving prowess, but when was the last time you saw Mario Andretti back into pit row? I have no patience for the backer inner. The backer inner passes the open parking spot as if they have disregarded it and left it for the taking. As I pull forward and I fill with delight from my apparent luck I'm soon forced to slam on my brakes as this annoying backer inner stuns me with their reverse lights. Then I spend the next twenty minutes waiting while they take up the entire parking lot trying to maneuver their Dodge Caravan into the parking space. More times then not one of their passengers ends up hopping out and has to guide the awkward mini-van into the spot like one of the guys with the glow stick thingies on the tarmac at LaGuardia Airport. If that's not bad enough then I have to wait on their grade school honor student hauling ass when I go to leave. As I begin to back out of my parking space like a decent human being, the backer inner quickly and recklessly pulls forward out of their spot and then obnoxiously honks at me as I attempt to creep back from my spot. I understand that they have never come to trust their Tivo and they're frightened to death that they might miss a rerun episode of Rosanne, but just slow down there my honking backer inner. Backing into a parking space, just like many things are learned behaviors. The only way to end these behaviors is to break the cycle. So the next time someone backs into a spot with a mini-van full of kids I think I'll just calmly walk up to the driver's door and rip the driver out of the car. When little Johnny grows up and gets his license and heads out to do some shopping, he'll think twice about backing into a parking spot when he flashes back to the guy that dragged his mom from her seat as she clutched the wheel of the ol' Caravan, 10 years prior in that same Super-Store parking lot.